Matthew...

I met the most wonderful man, and in the most unconventional of places, match.com. He is everything I could have ever asked for and more. We have not even met yet and the chemistry and passion is so powerful with just what we have built together over the phone. I love him in so many ways. He makes me so incredibly happy. I know how lucky I am that he has come into my life.

Unfortunatly, we probably will not get the chance to meet until I get back from Europe. No matter, I know once we meet we will be explosive together. How I feel about him in such a short time and we have not even met, amazes me. He is an incredible man and completly blows me away. This really could be "the one" I have waited for all my life. The man who makes me completly happy and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

I love you Matthew. xoxo

On turning 29...

On turning 29…

I will officially start the final year of my twenties on June 2nd.

*deep breath*

29??!! That's just one year away from 30!

It's hard to believe. How time flies. June 2, 1978 seems like so long ago.

If you're a boomer, you probably don't think much of my generation—Gen X. But that's because we're a threat to you! My generation is changing the world! Just think of all that has happened in the world these past 29 years...

Watergate, Jimmy Carter, Star Wars during the Reagan administration (not the movies), fall of the Soviet Union, Bill Clinton scandal, Gulf War, 9/11, War on Terror and the list goes on and on. I loved the 80's, mostly the music and styles. That's when I grew up, but I had no idea just how much the world was changing. Then, the Berlin Wall fell. I'll never forget that day in November. 1989. I was 12 and on top of the world. I can remember my history teacher telling me that the world would never be the same. He was right. Then, something even more dramatic developed. The Internet. If you want to understand me and my generation, then go online. And don't believe it when they say the Internet bubble has burst. The only thing that has burst is the old way of doing business.

Now, I'm not one of those people who thinks that turning 30 is going to be the end of my life, or the elimination of any essence of coolness I may have. I don't think 30 itself it bad age to be. I never thought turning 30 is going to be a devastating blow, for whatever reason, but I can honestly say that I've had no sudden realization that it's time to rework my life, to 'retake control' or make 'improvements'. I mean, sure, there are things in my life that need improvements and definite 'rework' that could be used (and I'm working on it), but isn't that an ongoing process throughout one's entire life. In my 20's I lived by certain 'quotes', and while I will continue to encompass those, (ie: "Carpe diem", "Just do it") a few are added to my list, such as "You're only as old as you feel", and "With age, comes wisdom". My issue is more that I don't feel like someone who is almost 30. I still feel like I'm in my early twenties or mid-twenties at the oldest. The thought that I'm about to enter the last year of my twenties really makes me wonder...where in the hell did those years go?

As I am approaching 30, I decided to stop 'freaking out' and evaluate myself and my life. Over the past six months I've gotten more than my share of people saying "Don't worry about turning 30, you look great.", "you look younger than most people your age". I had to take a step back and think, "why is that the only advice I get? Does everyone really think that is what I'm worried about?" Is it what I am worried about? I guess that was part of it, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But there is more. So I challenged myself….What have I learned over the years? How have I grown as a person? Which brings us to this bout of soul searching, which was long over due…

I've learned that as I've gotten older, I have become more comfortable in my own skin.
I've learned that doing the right thing, means doing the right thing by my standards, not someone else's.
I've learned that I don't have to settle. I have every day of my life to do that… why do it today, or even tomorrow for that matter?
I've learned that you don't have to lie to avoid saying things that are painful. It will just bite you in the ass in the end.
I've accepted that I am capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. And have reaped the rewards and benefits to prove it.
I've learned that trust is one of the most significant aspects of any relationship. And to lose it, usually means losing the relationship.
I've learned to accept the fact that I am worthy of significant relationships in my life and I don't have to click to "self destruct" mode when things get intense.
I've learned how to compromise without compromising myself in order to make life easier or happier for other people.
I've learned that I don't have to be perfect. As long as I am healthy that shows through and defines me more than anything.
I've learned that I am capable of independence.
I've learned that just because two people love each other, does not mean they should be together.
I've learned that people need you to understand them more than they need you to agree with them.
I've learned that being a good friend and have people depend on you is just as comforting as having a good friend. And I've learned the importance of my friendships.
I've learned that it is okay to 'grow out' of a relationship, whether it be love, friendship or business related.
I've learned that people you love will hurt you. You need to make peace with it, and move on.
I've learned that love does come when you least expect it.
Most of all I've learned to relish my family, my mom and dad and sister. Those people are invaluable.

I'm sure that there is more that I stumbled upon throughout the last few years of my life, but I definitely don't have all the answers. Maybe when I am 31 I will have all the answers - if not, at the very least, I know I will be able to add to the previous list! What I do know is upon my reflection, mentally and physically, I am very content with myself and my life thus far.

I'm turning 29 soon… So what?! Bring it on… Carpe Diem!!

"It is not by muscle, speed, or physical dexterity that great things are achieved but by reflection, force of character, and judgment; in these qualities old age is usually not only not poorer, but is even richer."

I know the best is yet to come!

Oh how my bRoKeN hEaRt aches!

IF I LAYED MYSELF DOWN ON THE TRACKS, A HUMID NIGHT.....ONLY WIND AND MOON ABOVE US IN THE SKY..... WOULD YOU STALL AS THE TRAIN APPROACHED TO WATCH AS I WOULD DIE, OR WOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND AND RESCUE ME ?

IF I ONLY HAD ENERGY TO BREATHE AND WALK A LITTLE , WOULD YOU OVER SEE THAT THINGS CONTINUE ON? WOULD YOU CARE FOR ME, AS I WOULD FOR YOU?

WOULD YOU SACRIFICE YOURSELF FOR ME THE WAY, I WOULD SACRIFICE FOR YOU? ALTHOUGH OF COURSE, I KNOW THAT "US" IS GONE? I KNOW IT'S BEEN LONG OVER DO, AND EVEN KIND OF OLD TO LINGER OVER FEELINGS I FEEL JUST FOR YOU.

A PIECE IS MISSING FROM MY LIFE. THAT PIECE CAN ONLY BE FILLED BY YOU. I HAVE TO LET YOU GO. TO HEAL. TO MOVE ON.

BUT ONE'S SOUL CAN'T FAKE OR CHANGE OR BREAK THE EMOTIONS THAT OVERFLOW MY INSIDES.....I CAN'T STOP THE ACHE THAT BURNS ME THROUGH AND THROUGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO WRITE OR SAY, IT SEEMS NOT TO MATTER ANYWAY, YOU'LL NEVER FEEL AGAIN THE WAY I DO....... FOR U!

GUESS I'LL JUST CHALK THIS UP TO KARMA......A PAYBACK THING.....A LEARNING PAIN....... CAUSE LONG AGO, ANOTHER TIME, I BROKE SOMEONES HEART. NOW IT'S MY TURN TO FEEL THE PAIN.

I MISS YOU IN MY LIFE.

Superfical

Have you ever looked and someone and thought, if I don't make some changes in my life that will be me in so many years? That happened to me on my way back from Indiana. I had a layover in Salt Lake City, and I was waiting at the gate and two business women came over. I was sitting there looking at them with their Louis Vuitton luggage, hand bags, briefcases and expensive suits. I realized that was me. I noticed either of the wore wedding rings. They are probably married to their jobs.

I remember when I was younger thinking "If I work hard I can have it all." It seemed all I ever wanted were nice cars and fancy stuff. The designer hand bags and clothes. So I did, I worked hard and climbed the ladder. Now I am where I always said I wanted to be. Very successful! But I'm still not happy. Even though I have all those things I always wanted, they dont seem to matter much anymore. Now I look at my life and all I have accomplished at an early age, I just want a simpler life. I want to live in a big house and acres, with dogs and cats. I want an 8 to 5 job, not one that consumes all my time, stresses me out and has me traveling all over the bay area. Something that I would be happy doing, but stills allows me time with family and to travel. I want to be able to leave work, at work at the end of the day. I want to get married and have a family. I don't see all of that happening if I continue down this road I am on.

I do know one thing, I dont want to be like those business women in the airport. I dont want to find myself in my late thirties un-married with only my demanding job as my life. I need to make some changes. I'm just glad I realized it early enough, before it was to late.

I want to find the man I can love forever and build an amazing life with. I want the fairtale. I want to live happily ever after with the man of my dreams.

Sometimes people surprise you

Sometimes people do things that just completly take you by surprise. For instance, someone who was lying to try and cover up a truth, that they did not want revealed to someone else. Finally comes clean and admits the truth. I must say, I was shocked! But I think it shows that this person is trying to change and maybe growing a little bit. Hopefully, they become a better person because of this experience. Never forget.

I truely do wish this person the best and a long happy life!

I am walking away from this experience with a new outlook on life and love. People come into our lives for a while then quickly go and leave us with new wisdom and understanding, because of their actions and words we are never ever the same.

Thank you to all of my wonderful friends who have stuck by me and supported me through all of this. Thanks for listening and being there when I needed to vent. You are all some of the best friends a girl could ask for. I am truely blessed to have all of you in my life.

Gym Pains

Okay, so if you have not gone to the gym in two weeks. When you go back take it easy. I was on vacation for two weeks and did not do my regular daily gym routine. Those of you who know me, know that I go to the gym 5 or 6 days a week. So not going for two weeks is a long time.

I went back tonite and I thought I was going to die. My muscles hurt after running 20 minutes. I normally go 30 minutes without even blinking. Tonite I was pushing myself to do 20. I was getting cramps. It was horrible.

I tired jogging while I was out in the mid-west. Jogging in 20 degree weather sucks. It is so cold you can hardly breathe. I thought my lungs were going to colapse. I will never do that again.

Got to get my butt back in shape. I have a friends wedding coming up in June and I am one of the bridesmaids. Need to look hot in my dress. But not hotter than the bride of course, it's her day. She already threatened to put us all in turtle necks! LOL!

Horoscope

CANCER Great Kisser. Very high sex appeal. Great in bed. Most horny.And TOO damn Sexy..

PISCES Caring. Smart. Center of attention. Too Sexy, DAMN IT. Very high sex appeal. Has the last word. Extremely weird but in a good way.

LIBRA Very gentle. Nice. Love is one of a kind. Silly and fun! Have own unique sexiness. Most caring person you will ever meet! FUCKINGGREAT in bed.

CAPRICORN Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Predict future. Irrestible, awesome kisser. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. BY FAR the BEST in bed...EVERY PERFORMANCE!!!!

AQUARIUS Trustworthy. Sexy. Rare to find. Loves being in long relationships. Extremly energetic.an amazing kisser! fucking great in bed, the BEST lovers.

ARIES Outgoing. Spontanious. Not one to fuck with. Fighter. Have own unique sexiness. Unpredictable. Erotic. Funny. Addictive. Take you on trips to the moon in bed.

TAURUS Aggressive. Freak in bed. Rare to find. Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremly outgoing. Outstanding kisser. Sexual as fuck.

LEO Great talker. Sexy. Always Horny. Laid back. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at fucking. Great kisser.

VIRGO Dominant in relationships. Sexy. Horny. Freak in bed. Always wants the last word. Loud. Caring. Smart

SCORPIO EXTREMELY sexy. Talkative. Energetic. Predict future. Most erotic. Freak in bed. GREAT kisser. Not one to mess with. Always get what they want.

SAGITTARIUS Spontanious. Horny. High sex appeal. Rare to find. Good when found. Loves being in long relationships.

GEMINI Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners. Very Good in bed. Lover not a fighter but will still punch your lights Out. Trustworthy.

Open Wounds

Time eventually heals all wounds. The terrible part is waiting for time to go by. Every excrushiating second that goes by and you think about him and what he has done to you and how much you hate him for it, but you still have love for him and it makes it all that much worse. Only the ones you love can hurt you this much. Listen to your head, not your heart. Your heart always gets you hurt, your head always keeps you safe. Safeguard your heart. Control your emotions, don't reveal all! My emotions always get the best of me ~ and always get me hurt.

Someday I will find someone who makes me feel the way he did (or better), but they will appreciate me and not lie and try to deceive me. I find the truth always comes out in time. His truth is a dark and shady one, which I was fortunate enough to come across. It only makes it that much easier to get over him knowing about all the lies and deception. When I have those weak moments where I want to call him so I can hear his voice, I read my blogs on My Space and that moment quickly passes and that feeling of missing him, quickly fades. If he is not careful and does not change his ways, he may find himself old and alone like his father. I have known him for over 11 years and have seen how many of his relationships ended and the fucked up shit he pulled. (including ours) Then he always tried to play the victim, the poor me card. This time I thought he had grown up and matured. He proved me wrong, nothing has changed. He is the same person he was 8 years ago when he broke my heart.

I feel for the next woman who crosses his path and falls into the trap. Or maybe she will be the lucky one who breaks his heart for once. I think he needs a dose of his own medicine, before he will change his ways. I may sound very bitter towards him, but I really do wish the best for him. I do still love him, even though I shouldn't. Someday he may realize all of his wrongs and it will probably eat him a live. Hopefully, he can find the strength to change and be happy!

REMEMBER- Why lie when the truth will work just as well. The truth has a way of coming out in the end!

Nervous Breakthrough

Sometimes somebody can bring you down so far, below anywhere you've gone. So much happens so fast feels like you can't take the pain. There's no going back. Thanks to you I had a nervous breakthrough. It's time to recognize the fact that all the best things make you nervous, scared, loved, and hold you in anticipation. Thanks to you I'm gonna break through. I can finally let you go. You were my first love, but you wont be my last. You hold no power over me anymore. I have broken through your lies and deception ~ now I see who you truely are! No tears for you.